Mama, nipe maziwa (Give me some milk in Swahili) were my first words spoken at 7 years old. I actually remember that moment because of the tears on my Mum’s eyes as she silently poured milk into my sippy cup and gave it to me. Before that day I had not uttered a single word. I went to a regular kindergarten, followed instructions from teachers and my parents but I just did not speak. You had delayed milestones, my mother told me one day when I was older. I took longer than other kids to sit, crawl, stand, walk and finally speak. Looking at me now, all six feet 2 inches of me, no one can ever tell I had such challenges. In fact when I uttered my first words there was no baby talk, I just went on like a child who had been speaking for years. I think that experience is one of the reasons why I am a quiet, intuitive person who feels emotions very strongly.
A short video of me through the years, the evolution of me.
After I started communicating and talking like normal children, my milestones were complete, albeit late. My performance in school was great, I was a top student every term for nearly three years of early primary school. My family was sure that my struggling days were behind me. I believed so too, as I was managing and coping well at home and in school.
However things started changing two years ago. I was in the IB programme and had successfully completed Grade 10. My academic performance was not as amazing as it was when I was younger but I attributed it to changing the education curriculum from the Kenyans system to the IB one.
These are some of my early results from when I was younger, when I was struggling much less in school .
I started struggling with concentrating in class, or remembering assignments. I was slowly drifting away from the rest of my classmates, I preferred my own company (still do). A one hour class would feel so long and at the end of it all, I had nothing to show for it. Then came the ringing in my ears and the noises in the head. My mother took me to an ear specialist, where tests were done. I was then diagnosed with a condition known as Tinnitus and medication was given. Oh the relief! I was happy at least they had found out what was wrong with me and I was getting treatment. The noises and ringing in my ears stopped; but it was only temporary.
My struggles continued and so did my worries. My final IB exams were coming up, and I was failing in class. My mock results were a disgrace, at some point I had to sign a letter relieving the school of any blame if I was unable to attain the IB Diploma. That was a tough time, but I was determined to try my best and oh how I tried. I made it through, I could have been better but I am here.
To date I have no idea how I made it to Wilfrid Laurier University, thousands of miles away from home. I still remember getting ready for the long journey to Canada; the farewell to friends and family and how good it felt to let my High School know that I had been accepted into a great university to study what I loved. That was a very happy time for me, it was the happiest I had felt in a long time. I finally felt older, mature, mostly because I was following in my older siblings’ footsteps. My two older brothers were already living away from home, studying in Universities in the US and thriving. I was excited about the new chapter in my life. Here I was finally living on my own and being responsible for myself.
But soon enough, came the realization that I was wrong, so wrong. My struggles multiplied tenfold. I was now not only responsible for managing my school work, but everything else including my pocket money, food, laundry and other school activities and it was overwhelming. Back home, I only had to concentrate on school and related activities, everything else was being managed. But in university, I was forgetting important things and events. I lost my One Card 3 times in the first month! What was worse were my struggles with school work. I was enjoying my classes but I would forget almost everything as soon as the lesson ended. I had to drop one unit because I was not understanding anything (understanding Socrates was like ancient Greek and rocket science combined!) and my lecturers felt the same.
My struggles led me to miss crucial marks in a unit that I have to retake. Well, that’s a story for another day. All I can say is my results for semester one were a disaster. I was upset, angry at myself and also feeling guilty that my parents were paying a lot of money for my tuition; money that I know they are working very hard to get.
Things came to a head early on in Semester two when one day, I could not remember what day it was or whether or not I had classes. The noises in my head were at their peak, I could barely hear myself think. I was desperate and afraid of what was happening. I started writing emails to student support asking for help. It was at that point that I decided to seek professional help. The university doctor did an extensive assessment and ultimately diagnosed me with Chronic Inattentive ADHD. I was relieved, worried and a bit confused after his announcement. Relieved because finally we knew what was wrong, worried and confused because I had no idea how things would be from here on. I probably had this condition for a long time, but back home there is no proper assessment for ADHD. My parents had no idea I had gone to see a doctor. I had been sharing some of my challenges with my Mum. She is my biggest supporter and my rock; I did not want to worry her. I was giving her filtered versions of my experiences.
But after the diagnosis I had to come clean and bare it all. The first conversation was difficult for all of us. There were tears, regrets, denial at some point but ultimately unconditional love and support. We kept chatting and talking about the revelations and reading about what this all means.; we still talk every single day.
The medication was introduced and with it came the side effects; drowsiness, sleepiness, fatigue and general body lethargy. The medication has to be taken daily at the exact same time. The effects were weighing me down and I was unable to concentrate in class. I was always tired and sleepy, and was forced to keep asking for permission and understanding from my lecturers. I knew this was my struggle and battle to fight and overcome. Sometimes the support was forthcoming but sometimes I felt all alone; at that point I was always sad and unsure.
The month of February 2024 was one of the most difficult for me. Juggling classes, assignments, university activities and my condition was overwhelming. I started going for monthly doctor’s appointments to review my condition and after month one my dosage was increased and with it the side effects.
But slowly the drowsiness and fatigue started reducing and I could handle some hours of class. However, I was still struggling with remembering things, simple everyday things. Writing down activities or work that I needed to remember has not been helping but I am trying. I set several alarms to remind me about assignments and deadlines; it is not a perfect system but it is working. I have a lot of last minute rushing around but I am managing. I recently got accepted into the Accessibility learning program, and getting assistance that I need. Something that I am grateful for as I navigate my way in this stage of University life.
I am almost done with my first year, a year that has been a revelation for me. Difficult, challenging but also eye opening and a step into the real world. I know the road ahead will not be easy, I will stumble and at times even fall. But I am determined to dust myself up and soldier on because this is a lifelong condition. I am learning not to beat myself up about things too much, especially when I am unable to deliver what is expected of me as it is still early days. I will not let my condition define me and I intend to do my best and also ask for help when it gets too much. I have some great days, but I also have really low ones (as I write this paragraph, this is one of the low ones). Studying Game Design is a dream come true, as there is no time when I feel more alive than when I am playing games or when learning how to make them. This is it my life journey and I am here for the long haul.
ABDULHAKIM FARAH, ME. 